Life Lesson: Guess what...sometimes...it IS your fault!!! No no...I know this is tough, but it's the truth...sometimes, you do something...that causes an issue...and you need to fix it! DON'T BLAME IT ON SOMEONE ELSE!!
I was having a conversation with someone I dated recently; we'll call him Spin. At the time we dated, I was a little broken, he was a little broken and our broken pieces...were cutting me. We're still friends...I care about him very much, think he's incredibly sexy and often have to fight the urge to tell him to forget his boyfriend and remind me why I liked kissing him! (I know he's happy and he's still a little broken...so I don't have to fight too hard).
Anyway, Spin was telling me, "My boyfriend doesn't want me to come to the events he's hosting. I don't know specifics, but he's been saying things like, 'they wouldn't be fun for me.'" (Sidebar...knowing the events in question...mind out of the gutter pigs...that's like saying a fat kid wouldn't like cake).
He continues, "He later told me that he's trying to maintain a level of professionalism, and I didn't help at the last event. I don't know what he's talking about."
"Did you ask for specifics?" I queried.
"I'm afraid he won't tell me, he's not much of a communicator."
To make a long story short (too late)...after more details about the evening, he realizes..."Wait, I got drunk and threw multiple, drunk hissy fits." (My words, not his...and thank goodness he realized his version...before I had to say mine).
So Spin sent his boyfriend a message telling him what he realized and how he will refrain from drinking at the events he plans. The response he got was really sweet and made him cry; it was something that he hadn't heard before and was something he really wanted.
It's way easier to say, "It's his fault...he's being an ass...he won't communicate." In other words, it's easier to focus externally. It's way harder to look at our own behavior and find something we're embarrassed by. In other words, it's harder to focus internally.
The funny thing is...the more we focus internally...the more control we give ourselves over our lives and the outcomes. You cannot control someone else...you cannot change someone else. But...you can control and change you...and sometimes, that's the best/fastest way to get what you most want.
But that's not the end of it...the end of it is to then forgive yourself. Yes, it was your fault and yes, you could have done better (and you will going forward), but you did the best you could at the time. So accept your behavior, correct it, apologize if necessary, then forgive yourself.
You've just grown...and how wonderful is that, why feel guilty about how you got there!
Coming out of the Shade
2 years ago